A JAM Christmas
by M. Love
Summary: Based on season 2, ep 10; The Christmas Party.Jim wrote Pam that letter with his feelings,but in reality he took it from her before she could read it.What happens if Pam actually got to see the explicit content?What would she do?Would it be a happy x-mas?


_**(A/N) The bold is those talking heads they do in the show, where they talk directly to the camera. And the "-" is a scene switch.**_

Pam Beesly played with the hem of her shirt as she walked into the conference room. She hadn't seen Jim lately, which was odd, but she could guess the reason. The teapot. He seemed to have been stabbed when she took the iPod and not the teapot. She cringed. She hated Jim upset. More then anything really.

-

Pam's eyes sparkled a little as she sat in the seat and talked to the camera, her hands fretted in her lap as she explained what she was about to do** - "Sure, I mean, I took the iPod _then_. But I didn't think it through. I want the teapot. Jim wanted me to take the teapot. Right? And anyway... Roy was going to get me an iPod..." **her eyes glazed over, wide, as she looked anywhere but at the camera. It felt awkward.

Pink elephant awkward...

-

Dwight was sitting in a chair, stroking the teal teapot as if it would put in response. He looked up and saw Pam smiling at him.

"Hey Pam," he said in a deep voice. It was evil, taunting. He must know that she had come for the teapot.

"Hey Dwight," Pam replied in her small sweet voice. She fondled the iPod tenderly, saying her last goodbyes.

"You want this teapot?" he asked, making Pam start.

She floundered. "Y-yes," she said slowly, looking into Dwight's dancing beady eyes. "How did you know?"

"Jim asked me for a swap," he snorted, stroking the teapot again. "Like I'd want a shamrock key chain, or any of his _money_."

"Jim offered to buy it?" Pam asked, bewildered. "Why would he do that?"

"Sentimental value," he sneered. "But I have better use for it."

"I'll give you my iPod, Dwight." Pam said quickly, abandoning all pretense. She really didn't want to hear Dwight's reasoning.

"Seriously?" Dwight asked, his unbelieving eyes hard. "This thing is like 25 dollars. That," he pointed at the video iPod, "is like 400. Why?"

"Sentimental value," Pam said shrugging. "Like you said."

"Ha!" he laughed harshly, springing out of his chair. "Pan, you fool!"

He grabbed the video iPod out of her hands, smiling widely. His happiness swept away some of her irritation at him, and then suddenly she was given the clay teapot.

"Have fun," he laughed patting her on the shoulder. "I'm going to show A-"

Pam blinked, looking at him with a smile threatening to play at her lips. He stared at her in shock before he recovered several moments later.

"Michael." he finished. He turned and left, avoiding Pam and the camera crew's eyes.

She smiled brightly, looking down at the teal teapot now grasped firmly in her arms. She smiled and pulled it to her as if cradling it. The feeling of happiness raising in her to the point she felt like she glowed. This had been worth the video iPod. She inspected it, making sure nothing had been harmed in its previous ownership.

She suddenly grimaced. There was a yellow small gunky substance with a loose small black hair submerged in it on the spout. She looked to the camera, her eyes troubled.

-

Pam was gawking at the camera. She had just been told what the substance was, she was giving small spasms of disgust as she looked down at her beloved pot - "**Ew**."

-

She vigorously scrubbed at the spout, she wanted all of Dwight off her teapot. She was beaming uncontrollably, having lifted the tape from the lid and looked through the other mini-gifts that could have been wasted on _Dwight_ of all people.

She continued to look at the high school photo she had seen when she had visited his house a few weeks by. She remembered each individual gift's reminders. Her and Jim's special moments. Her heart danced with happiness. He remembered them all too. The hot sauced hot dog! He remembered _that!_

Roy barely remembered last Christmas...

She looked up at the wall in front of her in silence. Her hazel eyes sad. Why...

"Hey Pam," Phyllis had entered the small kitchen, smiling sweetly as she fanned her face with her hand. "Great party, right?"

"Hey Phyllis," Pam replied, spreading her pink lips in a slightly faltering smile. Pam's general demeanor had her looking slightly sad in general, but when the small drop of moisture ran down her cheek, Phyllis knew something was different now.

She rushed forward in a fretted motherly manner, wrapping Pam's body up in her own large body. This encouraged more tears to fall freely from her eyes. She ran a hand down Pam's dull red colored curly hair, giving sooth crooning noises as she swayed slightly.

"What's wrong?" Phyllis asked, never having seen the receptionist so upset. "Its Christmas..."

"Why do you love Bob Vance?" Pam asked in a trembling voice, still clutching to the older woman.

"Bob?" Phyllis repeated, momentarily stunned. "Why... I think its because he gets me. You know, likes me for me."

"Yeah," Pam sniffed. "I think I do..."

She withdrew from the embrace, feeling cold and so wrapping her arms around herself. She suddenly felt very alone, not because Phyllis had let her go, and was now standing a few feet away, but because she truly felt she did understand why Phyllis loved Bob... and felt none of that in herself for her betrothed.

She went over to the teapot, and went to dry it with a cloth that hung by the sink. Phyllis followed her, looking to the items that sat piled near her.

"I like the teapot," Phyllis said kindly. "Jim has good taste."

"Yeah, doesn't he?" Pam said in a small voice.

"There's a note with it," Phyllis said, suddenly weeding out an unassuming white envelope. "But you haven't read it."

"I was saving it." Pam replied. She had held the note in her hands, and felt it nor a hard card but bending pages of an actual letter. Pam didn't know what it said, but knew that holding it sent sparks down her spine.

"Are you ok now?" Phyllis asked, her hand rubbing Pam's upper back comfortingly. "Do you need me to hang around?"

"I think I'm ok, actually, Phyllis," Pam breathed. "I think I'm just going to curl up somewhere and read Jim's note."

She placed the joking items into the teapot once more, hugged it to her and then picked up the letter, her eyes heating up as she looked at it. Why did it instill such excitement in her?

"Thanks, Phyllis," Pam said, moving up and wrapping her arms around her coworker. "Its nice to have a friend. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Pam," Phyllis said back, giving her an extra squeeze before they parted and Pam pushed through the door, entering the party once more.

Michael was refilling Bob Vance's plastic cup with more vodka, both laughing loudly at a joke. Angela was silently fuming as she sat at desk, watching her party going to pieces. Kelly was hanging off Ryan's neck drunkenly, trying to kiss him as he tried to pull his face away.

Pam went to her desk, trying to look as nonchalant as possible as she slunk through the partying crowd. Finally she reached her desk. Her big eyes surveyed the crowd, looking for Jim, but not finding him. With a sigh she bent down and curled up under her desk to hide.

It was dark, the light from the room cut by her cover. She folded her legs and placed the teapot in her lap. She smiled once at it before turning and gently opening it. The camera men zoomed in, their interest peaked as Pam's eyes grew even larger, her jaw dropping open. She seemed to have stopped breathing.

-

_Dearest Pam,_

_Christmas is a time for truth, of admittance, of love. I can't  
hide this from you anymore. I can't lie to you, to look into  
your wide eyes and say I'm ok with your engagement. I want  
you to be happy, happier then you could ever be. I once  
thought that you knew what you needed to be happy. I once  
thought that Roy was your soul mate, and that my feelings  
couldn't count, because surely you were menat for Roy.  
That's what I used to think.  
Now I know what I really think, what I really feel. And I  
know I must tell you it now, because I never will again.  
I love you, Pam Beesly. I love you more then my morals. I  
love an engaged women, I love someone who officially loves  
someone else. But I don't think you do love Roy, not really, not  
like you deserve. Not like I think we could love one another.  
I have thought of nothing else, Pam. Nothing else since I met you.  
You and me. Think of it.  
I tell you this now, Pam, in a letter, so you can ignore it. You can  
dismiss this, crumple it up and throw it away. Or you can come  
to me, and I will welcome you with open arms. My heart is ready  
for you, I swear it.  
I truly believe in us. _

_All my true love,  
Jim_

-

Jim had his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he sat in the stairwell. It was peacefully empty, the dull lull of music coming down to him was settling. He didn't want to be up there with them all, not like this. He would be punished with the images of Roy and Pam, wrapped together with an iPod plug in each ear. He would have to suffer through the image of Dwight holding Pam's gift as if it was his own personal nose plug.

Jim ran his hands over his face as he steadily groaned. Life was so not fair.

And Christmas sucked.

The best he could hope for was that Dwight just threw away the letter with his feelings instead of actually reading it. God only knows what would happen if he had that information. He shuddered.

The camera crew were hiding on the upper level, filming him through a crack of an open door.

Suddenly the music came in clearly as someone opened the office door. Jim ignored it, no doubt it was Michael sneaking around for making out couples. Instead he kept his hands buried, unaware of the woman now standing timidly at the top of the flight, looking down at his crouching form in the corner.

"I got the teapot," she suddenly said, her voice stronger then it usually was.

Jim's head snapped up, and he met Pam's eyes as she looked at him. He was too shocked to smile at this information.

"It took a whole iPod," Pam informed him, one side of her lips lifted into a crooked smile. "but I got it."

"Is it worth it?" Jim asked, pushing himself up to his feet, but not moving towards her.

"I think sentimental value makes it priceless." Pam replied. "I liked the mini-gifts."

"I knew you would." Jim said with a smile. "Except for one though..."

"Yes," Pam said with a grave nod. "One did throw me through a loop."

She began her descent slowly, keeping her eyes locked firmly on Jim. His eyes were huge and his eyebrows were lifted in his fear and anticipation. Her hands were calm and by her side. If Jim was paying attention he would realize she no longer wore a sparkling ring on her left hand.

"I have decided what I'm going to do about it." she said in a low voice once she stepped gracefully off the bottom step in front of Jim.

"What are you going to do?" Jim whispered, his eyes wide and looking to her.

He couldn't breathe, couldn't move, couldn't think as Pam gave a breath taking smile. One hand held a folded piece of paper and was inching towards one of Jim's slack hand; the other was lifting to rest on his cheek. She stared unblinkingly as her hand began to trace around his face, smiling as her finger tips brushed down his nose to his lips.

"Read it after the party." Pam instructed. "I have things I have to do."

Jim nodded, taking the offered piece of paper and putting it into his pocket without breaking their eye contact. Pam's hand traced down his neck as if savoring it. She then turned around and walked back up the stairs.

It was as if she was in a trance as she pushed open the office door to go back in. The loud music and laughing cheers reached her, but she was numb to it. She needed to go on. She needed to do this.

She found Roy playing DJ with Kevin and Ryan. He was guffawing at something, a drink in his hand.

"Hey babe," he laughed, drawing Pam into his side. "Wanna sip?" The beer sloshed slightly, staining her shirt.

"No," Pam said, pushing him away but holding his hand. "We actually need to talk."

She led him away, quietly but firmly, into the back of the office that hid behind the kitchen. The camera pressed against the window, zooming in to see Pam letting Roy rest against Toby in HR's desk as her hand went to her back pocket and withdrew a lumpy envelope.

-

Pam sat under the desk, her eyes wide and shining but not tearing up. She looked overjoyed and stunned all at the same time by the way she tried to suppress the smile threatening to break her face in two. She was finishing off a letter of her own as she glanced up at the camera. She grinned at it, unable to hide her joy. She capped off her pen and looked down at the letter. She then turned to show it to the camera. It read:

_Dear Jim,_

_I think I do know what will make me happy. Known  
for quite sometime, but not being able to say it. Like  
you I was stuck with my morals, but it is Christmas,  
a time for happiness, love and truth. I can't hide from  
this anymore, Jim.  
I love you too. More then I ever realized now that  
I've acknowledged the burning need in my heart. Its  
been there for awhile. The knowledge I don't love Roy.  
The knowledge that everyday is dedicated to waking  
up to see you.  
Give me time, Jim. I can't just go off with you, leaving  
Roy without any explanation. I am not a person to cheat.  
Not when forewarned.  
Expect me for New Years. They say the person you  
spend New Years with, you spend the whole year with._

_Merry Christmas,  
Pam xx_

_**(A/N) My first Office fanfic. I rather like it! Pam's letter was meant to be shorter, but I couldn't stop. I'm such a diehard JAM fan. I was thinking about doing a Oneshot on a couple more eppies. Can anyone say 'Goodbye, Toby'?**_

_**Suggestions are welcome too.**_

_**REVIEW PUH-LEASE!! I'm begging.**_

_**Tell me what you think. D**_


End file.
